Arrested Development Moving Pictures

Arrested Development Quotes

Arrested Development Highlights

Busters 'hey brother' s. This clips got to be one of the best from my Highlights post.



THE CHICKEN DANCE:

"has anyone in this family even SEEN a chicken?" .... "koo koo ka cha!!" lol








TOBIAS FLIES:



BOB LOBLAW:


Bloopers 1




Bloopers 2




Bloopers Season 3
















Quotes from the show:

Season 1

[edit] Pilot [1.1]

Michael: I thought Buster had everything under control. I thought you've been going in to the office.

Buster: Yes, and I've enjoyed that. It's just that I was constantly being called to the phone, or I was asked a question, or I was resuscitated and it was really hard to get a good work flow going.

---

Michael: Okay, guys, um... they are going to keep Dad in prison at least until this gets all sorted out. Also, the attorney said that they’re going to have to put a halt on the company’s expense account. [The others gasp.] Interesting. I would’ve expected that after "They’re keeping Dad in jail."

[edit] Top Banana [1.2]

George Sr.: This is my vacation, Michael.

Michael: You're doing time, Dad.

George Sr.: I'm doing the time... of my life!

---

Gob: I should be in charge. I’m the older brother.

Michael: Do you even want to be in charge?

Gob: No... but I'd like to be asked!

[edit] Bringing Up Buster [1.3]

George Sr.: [regarding Buster] Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her "miracle baby." And I — I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So ... he turned out a little soft, you know... a little doughy... I dunno. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe. Maybe I just ignored the guy. [the camera slow zooms out to show Buster sitting between Michael and George Sr.]

Buster: [After yawning for a long time] Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?

---

Gob: Let me ask you something. Is this a business decision, or is it personal? 'Cause if it's business I'll go away happily. But if it's personal, I'll go away... but I won't be happy.

Michael: It's personal.

[edit] Key Decisions [1.4]

Lindsay: I care deeply for nature.

Michael: You're wearing ostrich-skin boots.

Lindsay: Well, I don't care about ostriches.

---

Lucille Bluth: I'll be in the hospital bar.

Michael: Uh, you know there isn't a hospital bar, Mother.

Lucille: Well, this is why people hate hospitals.

[edit] Visiting Ours [1.5]

Gob: Take off your glasses. Oh... wait, wait. Let down your hair. No: glasses on, hair back up. Let's just get that hair right back up.

Kitty: Let me turn the lights off.

Gob: Yes, yes, please.

Kitty: How's that? Is that better?

Gob: It just seems like there's still light coming in from under the door.

---

George Sr.: I just haven't had sex in a month.

Michael: You know, you've been here two months.

George Sr.: It's hard to gauge time.

Michael: Yeah, I'll bet.

[edit] Charity Drive [1.6]

Michael: Come on, face it. You just do all this charity crap just to stroke your ego. You don't even know what the auction's for tonight.

Lindsay: The wetlands.

Michael: To do what with them?

Lindsay: Dry them.

Michael: Save them.

Lindsay: From drying.

---

Lindsay: Look, I screwed up, ok? I'm lost, and I hate them. I hate the Wetlands. They're stupid and wet, and there are bugs everywhere, and I think I maced a crane, Michael.

[edit] In God We Trust [1.7]

[at the prison]

Barry Zuckerkorn: Are all the guys in here... you know? [referencing gay inmates]

George Sr.: Oh, no, no. No, not all of them.

Barry Zuckerkorn: Yeah. It's never the ones you hope.

George Sr.: Hope?

Barry Zuckerkorn: Think.

---

Lucille: What'd she do, get you drunk?

Michael: No, we just, uh, well... we — we did drink a little bit. How'd you know that?

Lucille: Because that's what she said she'd do. I said you wouldn't give her the money, and she said, "He will if I get him drunk." Probably because she thinks you're a cheap bastard. Oh... her words.

[edit] My Mother, The Car [1.8]

Michael: Hey, Mom. Remember we had that conversation about trying to cut back on things that aren't necessities?

Lucille: Like it was yesterday.

Michael: It was this morning.

---

Lucille: You're my third least favorite child.

Michael: I can live with that.

[edit] Storming the Castle [1.9]

Buster: And I'm going to continue dating, Mom.

Michael: It sounds a little bit like "dating Mom."

Buster: It's starting to feel a little like it.

---

Michael: Since when are you against leather?

Maeby: Yeah, you're not even a vegetarian.

Lindsay: Well, I'm not against the insides. I mean, people need meat to survive.

Michael: You are aware they don't remove it surgically, right?

[edit] Pier Pressure [1.10]

Lucille: [to Lindsay] I don't criticize you! And if you're worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense.

---

Maeby: [working with Lucille] This is so much fun. I can't believe my mom thought being here would be a punishment.

Lucille: Oh, she thinks I'm too critical. That's another fault of hers.

[edit] Public Relations [1.11]

Jessie: We need to make Michael the new face of the Bluth company. He's the only likable one in the bunch, no offense.

Michael: None taken.

---

Jessie: There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town.

Tobias: Well, that certainly leaves me out.

[Everyone looks at Tobias]

Tobias: You said single, right? She said single.

[edit] Marta Complex [1.12]

Gob: Oh, I see. She wants to talk to you. For some reason women feel safe around you. Maybe it's because you've only had sex four times.

Michael: Not four times, four women! And they talk to me because I talk to them!

---

Lucille 2: Buster, this is exactly why our relationship does not work.

Buster: Our relationship doesn't work?

Lucille 2: No, not as long as you keep getting me all mixed up with your mother.

Buster: It is exactly the opposite. I'm leaving my mother for you. You're replacing my mother.

Lucille 2: Well, that's healthy.

[edit] Beef Consommé [1.13]

Barry Zuckerkorn: It would help if you would all show up looking like a loving, supportive family.

Lucille: For how long?

Barry Zuckerkorn: Ten minutes tops.

Lucille: See if you can get it down to five.

---

Gob: [to Michael] Tell you what. You may not be good with women, but you are great with other people's women. I'll give you that.

[edit] Shock and Aww [1.14]

Lindsay: It's George Michael, he told me. I think he wants a mother.

Michael: Well that's ridiculous. He's got you, he's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off to the entire concept.

---

Lucille: I don't have the milk of mother's kindness in me anymore.

Michael: Yeah. That udder's been dry for a while though, hasn't it?

[edit] Staff Infection [1.15]

Lindsay: Well, you and I have different management styles. I believe work should be fun, and you try to crush people's spirits. What's next, Michael? Are you going to make dancing illegal? Is this the tiny town from Footloose?

---

Buster: I’m a scholar. I enjoy scholarly pursuits.

Lucille: Suddenly, playing with yourself is a scholarly pursuit.

[edit] Missing Kitty [1.16]

George Sr.: What are you doing firing Kitty? You can't fire Kitty. First of all, you don't have hiring and firing power.

Michael: I do, and I had to — she's crazy.

George Sr.: Well, that's why you don't fire her. You don't fire crazy. You never fire crazy.

---

Lindsay: Where's Nana?

Lucille: I sent her on a wonderful cruise. You just missed a wonderful call from her. She just came back from a wonderful costume party that the captain threw. She gained ten pounds, there's so much food on that boat. She's up to 74. She tried pesto for the first time. Imagine that, 92 years old and she never tried pesto. It was wonderful. Just wonderful.

Narrator: In fact, Lucille's mother had been dead for six months.

[edit] Altar Egos (1) [1.17]

Michael: I'm not a one-night stand kinda guy, I don't like lying to women.

Gob: These are lawyers. That's Latin for liar.

---

Michael: Boy, the lengths you'll go to sleep with a woman.

Gob: Believe me, we didn't do any sleeping. I had sex last night.

Narrator: But he really didn't.

Gob: Yes, I did.

[edit] Justice is Blind (2) [1.18]

Gob: And now you love the Ten Commandments. And yet you're the one who so conveniently forgot "Thou shalt protect thy father and honor no one above him unless it be-ith me, thy sweet Lord."

Michael: I'm not sure that one made it down the mountain, Gob.

---

Maggie: So, what about us? We were starting to establish some trust. Except for all the lies.

[edit] Best Man for the GOB [1.19]

Gob: I've got the marriage and none of the good parts. It's like so far it's been all chain and no ball.

---

Tobias: As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch.

Michael: Really? When did that start?

Tobias: Well, I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help.

[edit] Whistler’s Mother [1.20]

George Sr.: Michael, this is my brother. Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?

Michael: Just one? No, no idea. It sounds wonderful, though.

---

Wife of Gob: I'm in love with your brother-in-law.

Gob: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?

Wife of Gob: No, your sister's husband.

Gob: Michael? [angrily] Michael!

Wife of Gob: No, that's your sister's brother.

Gob: No, I'm my sister's brother. [happily] You're in love with me — me!

Wife of Gob: I'm in love with Tobias.

Gob: My brother-in-law?

Wife of Gob: I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.

Gob: To be with your brother.

Wife of Gob: No!

[edit] Not Without My Daughter [1.21]

Lindsay: Well, they expect a certain amount of theft, Michael. It's built into the price. If I didn't take it, then people would be overpaying for nothing.

---

Michael: Lindsay, new outfit?

Lindsay: This? No, I've had this for years. I think it's a hand-me-down from Mom.

Michael: You got a price tag. Right there.

Lindsay: Is there? I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.

Michael: Only two of those words describe Mom, so I know you're lying to me. And where did you get that outfit?

Lindsay: Old thing got it for me.

[edit] Let 'Em Eat Cake [1.22]

Gob: The zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the firstborn. Sick of playing second fiddle. Always third in line for everything. Tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. [thinks for a moment] There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over.

---

Michael: I might not be the best witness either. I got a call from Kitty this morning.

Barry Zuckerkorn: Your secretary?

George Sr.: My secretary.

Michael: She says that she's got some evidence and she's threatening to bring down the company unless we meet her demands.

Gob: Oh, that is just great. Now I'm expected to climb back on top of Kitty and do my thing again. I mean, this family runs into problems and it's "Oh, let's have Gob [bleep] our way out of it."

[edit] Season 2

[edit] The One Where Michael Leaves [2.1]

Gob: I’ve got the proof, Michael. Dad’s signed contract with Saddam.

Buster: [whispers] Hussein.

---

Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised...

[falls off the bed]

Tobias: ...a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed, but free to explore extra-marital encounters.

Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?

Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.

[edit] The One Where They Build A House [2.2]

Lucille: It’s not fair to Buster. He’s a nervous wreck right now. He’s going into the Army, for God’s sake.

Michael: You volunteered him.

Lucille: I knew you were going to throw that in my face.

---

Lucille: I want you out of the house.

Oscar: Oh, I want you everywhere.

[edit] Amigos [2.3]

Michael: We have a private eye, huh?

Lucille: Oh, I hired him a hundred years ago to find out if your father was cheating on me. He never did find anything.

Michael: Well, he can’t be very good then.

---

Narrator: Buster was finding himself right at home.

Buster: Oh, my God! I used to have a shirt just like that.

Narrator: It was Buster’s old shirt. Lucille had given it to Lupe.

Buster: And the hand chair! I had one in my room! I wonder where that went.

Narrator: It went right there.

Buster: [touching his hand chair] I'd never thought I'd miss a hand so much.

[edit] Good Grief [2.4]

Maeby: Is there any way I can divorce them?

Barry: Oh, sure. It’s called emancipation. But you’ve got to prove that you’re living in an unstable environment.

Maeby: Both my parents are trying to have affairs. Of course, they haven’t succeeded yet.

---

Lindsay: You know, it’s funny, all those years when I pretended to cry I used to use Dad’s death to get me going. I tried it with Mom’s, but I’d just end up smiling and ruining it.

[edit] Sad Sack [2.5]

Oscar: God willing, he’ll fail boot camp.

Michael: Well, why wouldn’t he? He already failed day camp.

---

Gob: I’m the pathetic one, Buster, not you. I totally freaked out in front of that prosecutor today. Like a little girl. In a little dress. Little saddle shoes. Little pigtails.

Buster: Wow, that does sound like a little girl.

[edit] Afternoon Delight [2.6]

Lindsay: No, you’re not going to that. You see, if I show up with you, it’ll just make me seem like I’m a mother.

Maeby: I’ve never thought of you that way.

Lindsay: That’s sweet.

---

Gob: I did the right thing, Michael. If I don't fire them, how do I teach a lesson to the others?

Michael: There are no others. You fired everyone.

[edit] Switch Hitter [2.7]

Lucille: Get me a vodka rocks.

Michael: Mom, it’s breakfast.

Lucille: And a piece of toast.

---

Sitwell: The only thing I ask is, out of the 450 homes we build, one be given to a disadvantaged family from the inner city.

Gob: That’s great. So the other 449 families live in fear? Is that what we’re saying?

[edit] Queen For A Day [2.8]

Michael [to Buster]: Maybe it’s time you got out there and started meeting people. You know? Meeting women. Meeting women who didn’t give birth to you.

---

Gob: So you take your mom to work every day? Bummer. Moms are such a pain in the ass, huh? It’s, like, die already!

[edit] Burning Love [2.9]

Lindsay: Oh, hi, Mom. I have the afternoon free.

Lucille: Really? Did "nothing" cancel?

---

Tobias: My wife is humiliated. This is my chance to right the small wrong that I did.

Michael: You shot her in the ass with about four ounces of horse tranquilizer.

Tobias: I haven’t been the perfect husband — yes, I admit that. But now is my chance to be a hero.

[edit] Ready, Aim, Marry Me [2.10]

Lucille: She’d love to get at me any way she could. That’s why she’s been flirting with Gob. She’s trying to prove that she’s closer to my children than I am, but the joke’s on her, because she doesn’t know how little I care for Gob.

Michael: I think that makes the joke on Gob.

---

Tobias: Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren’t you? I tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks any time.

Michael: Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day. I think you’re going to be surprised at some of your phrasing.

Tobias: Butterscotch! Want a lick?

[edit] Out on a Limb [2.11]

[Note: this is the delete scene version]

Gob: And I'm going to need help getting out of this marriage.

Barry: Oh, well, I got Michael out of his marriage, didn't I?

Michael: Actually, she died.

Barry: Yeah! We killed her. [moves to give a high-five]

Michael: No, she actually died.

Barry: You're kidding. I've been taking credit for that for years.

---

Tobias: You know, mother Lucille, there's a psychological concept known as denial that I believe you're evincing. It's when a thought is so hateful that the mind literally rejects it.

Lucille: You are a worse psychiatrist than you are a son-in-law, and you will never get work as an actor because you have no talent.

Tobias: Well if she's not going to say anything, I certainly can't help her.

[edit] Hand to God [2.12]

Michael: Mom, after all these years, God’s not going to take a call from you.

---

Narrator: Neither he nor Gob were prepared for the challenges of using cats to catch a seal.

[edit] Motherboy XXX [2.13]

Gob: The cow is coming after me.

Michael: Your wife? She was super-thin.

Gob: She was? What about her cans? She have big cans?

Michael: You don't remember her at all, do you?

Gob: Hey, it was one night of wild passion!

Michael: And yet you didn't notice her body?

Gob: I like to look in the mirror.

---

Lindsay: Oh, God. Not that "I’m in love with my mother" dance thing. I’m so glad there wasn’t one of those for daddies and daughters.

Lucille: Of course they have father-daughter dances.

Lindsay: They do? He never took me?

Lucille: It was before we did your nose. Too-da-loo.

[edit] Immaculate Election [2.14]

Michael: So then, he’s more popular than George Michael?

Maeby: Well, that’s like comparing apples and some fruit nobody’s ever heard of.

---

Lindsay: If you weren’t all the way on the other side of the room, I’d slap your face.

[edit] The Sword of Destiny [2.15]

Buster: Hey! I'm finally being treated like a real person. Not some deformed...

Gob: Ah! Hook. I forgot about that there, Elephant Man. We'll have to find something to do so that people can look at you without wanting to kill themselves.

---

Lucille: My baby is sick, but Mother is here to nurse you.

Michael: Well, now I’m a little sicker.

[edit] Meat the Veals [2.16]

George Michael: Ann just called. They had a pre-dawn mass. Then they were going to mass, so...

Michael: Ann’s got a great deal of mass.

---

Michael: I think they are too young to get involved that seriously.

Rev. Veal: My wife and I were about the same age when we got engaged.

Michael: [Glancing at the reverend's wife] Well, yeah, you've gotta lock that down.

[edit] Spring Breakout [2.17]

Gob: Well, gee, I never thought the woman I'd be checking out at spring break would be Mom.

Buster: She's better looking than the whores you date.

Gob: Don't call my escorts "whores."

Buster: Mom's still got it!

Gob: I DON'T DATE WHORES!

Lindsay: Stop it, stop it. This objectification of women has to stop.

Michael: It’s just Mom and whores.

---

Lucille: Oh, please. I’ve been drinking since before you were born. So if alcohol’s the reason I’m here, I got news for you, bub. It’s the only reason you’re here, too.

Michael: Hey, look at that. You’re mean sober, too.

[edit] Righteous Brothers [2.18]

Gob: Why don’t you get Gob to do your dirty work for you? Shall I knock Dad out and chain him to a pipe somewhere, or should I risk another herpes outbreak with Kitty? Which is it this time, Michael?

Michael: Well, definitely neither of those two things.

---

Narrator: Gob had hidden his father under a house that had just collapsed.

Gob: [Seeing George Michael and Maeby] Children - you're small. Crawl under there.

[edit] Season 3

[edit] The Cabin Show [3.1]

Gob: Pardon me if I don't burst into tears, Michael. At least he promised to take you. [bursts into tears] He just let me blindly enjoy my childhood! [sobbing] I didn't even know there was a cabin... he wasn't taking me to!

---

Gob: Well, I will tell you this, Michael. I don't have a son...

Narrator: He does.

Gob: ... but if I ever do, I'm either going to take him to the cabin in the woods or I'm going to promise to take him and then not take him. But the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I'm taking him to a cabin in the woods and then not take him.

Narrator: Gob was growing up.

[edit] For British Eyes Only [3.2]

Michael: We've got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein.

George, Sr.: I thought, I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi. I told him how much I liked his work.

---

Michael: Great. I was wondering if you might be willing to go somewhere with me. I would pay you.

Rita: You’ll pay me?

Michael: Not... not for sex. You’re going to think that I’m Jack the Ripper, right? Didn’t he kill prostitutes or...?

Rita: I’m not a prostitute.

Michael: Then I shall let you live.

[edit] Forget-Me-Now [3.3]

Gob: Steve Holt's not my son.

George Michael: Steve Holt? The moron jock?

Gob: That's my son, you pothead!

---

Narrator: Michael did try again with Rita, but this time determined to keep no secrets.

Michael: I want to tell you everything if... if you're willing to listen.

Rita: I'm a very good listener.

Michael: Great. Start with the misdemeanors and then, we're gonna' push right on through to the lighter treasons. So, 1983...

[edit] Notapusy [3.4]

Gob: Hey, can you do me a favor? A young neighborhood tough by the name of Steve Holt will be dropping by, and...

Michael: Your son?

Gob: According to him.

Michael: And a DNA test.

Gob: I hear the jury's still out on science.

---

[During a work-out montage with Michael]

Steve Holt: There's no "I" in "win"!

Steve Holt: Don't ask "can I?," ask "I can!"

Steve Holt: You can control your bladder when you're dead!

[edit] Mr. F [3.5]

Michael: Besides, I already got George Michael the big present for his birthday...

George Michael: A suit! Dad, is it Jack Welch?

Michael: I want you to look under the pants.

George Michael: Quicken! Premiere! Dad, I hope you kept the receipt.

Michael: You want to return that?

George Michael: What? No, I want to deduct it.

---

Gob: Hey, maybe that's it. Maybe we should do to the Japanese what they do in their movies. Build a miniature city, put it outside the window, tell them it's far away. It'll look real if you squint. God knows they're squinters. [looks at Larry the surrogate] What do you think, Dad? A whole, tiny town.

George Sr./Larry: Another brilliant idea, Einstein.

Gob: Really? You'd like to build it with me?

George Sr./Larry: Larry really never knows how to sell the sarcasm. It's a stupid idea.

[edit] The Ocean Walker [3.6]

Rita: Are houses terribly hard to make?

Michael: Well, the hardest part is finding the land.

Rita: Instead of building houses, maybe you should be building land. On the ocean. There's no land on the ocean, Michael.

Michael: [pause] You are brilliant.

Narrator: Yeah. She wasn't.

---

[Michael has just revealed that he knows Rita is mentally challenged]

Rita: You found out.

Michael: Took me long enough.

Rita: Maybe you're not smart, either! I didn't know until they told me.

[edit] Prison Break-In [3.7]

Michael: Can't a guy call his mother pretty without it seeming strange?

Buster: Amen. And how about that little piece of tail on her? Cute!

Michael: I've opened a door here that I regret.

Lucille: Oh, he's just talking about his stupid turtle.

Buster: She has a name, Mother, and it's Mother.

---

Lucille: I want to cry so bad, but I don't think I can spare the moisture.

[edit] Making a Stand [3.8]

Lucille: And that goes into storage, right? Not into your apartment.

Painter: Qué?

Lucille: [to Michael] What's Spanish for "I know you speak English"?

---

Gob: I've got this Christian girlfriend now and she's trying to get me to be a better man and reconnect with my son and I'm trying to get her to renounce God and [bleep] me and I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.

[edit] S.O.B.s [3.9]

Michael: That’s the point, Dad. Mr. Loblaw no longer works for us because someone wanted a boyfriend.

Tobias: Well, don’t blame me!

Michael: I was talking to Lindsay, actually, but he was clearly turned off to the both of you.

---

Lindsay: You know, Mom, I think the only time you cooked for us was the morning Rosa's mom died.

Buster: You gave us cereal in an ashtray.

[edit] Fakin' It [3.10]

Lucille: I just pray it's one of those things where he's unconscious through the whole trial and when he wakes up he gets BIG toy!

Michael: Did you do this, Mom? Did you put one of your own sons in a coma so he wouldn't testify?

Lucille: Michael, how dare you! Although the thought did cross my mind.

---

Michael: All of our family records are up here. And for some reason, this stack of bodybuilding magazines.

Tobias: Ha, well, I guess your dad must've had these from way back when. [opens magazine]

[edit] Family Ties [3.11]

George, Sr.: I just want my brother to envy my money, but he’s got that hair. Why can’t I have hair and money and him nothing?

---

Gob: The real problem is that she keeps saying that God is going to show me a sign. The... something of my ways. Wisdom?

Michael: It's probably wisdom.

[edit] Exit Strategy [3.12]

Richard Shaw: I’m sorry it took so long, but the Cheney Expressway was backed up all the way to Halliburton Road.

---

Buster: Let me go with you. I was trained by Army. I speak the language.

Michael: You speak Arabic?

Buster: La-ach-ha-tem.

Michael: What’s that mean?

Buster: No, I was just clearing my throat... but I think it actually does mean "laundry," but like a child’s laundry. We don’t really have a word for it.

[edit] Development Arrested [3.13]

Tobias: I should call the Hot Cops and tell them to dress up as something more nautically themed. Hot sailors, maybe. Or better yet, hot sea—

Michael: I like hot sailors.

Tobias: Mmmm. Me too.

---

Narrator: Although George Michael had only got to second base, he’d gone in head first, like Pete Rose.

Ingenious

Weird Laws

Top 10 weird laws of the world:


Number 10: Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." (umm OK, I’m sure the lamb appreciates that one)

Number 9: In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense...)

Number 8: In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Ouch!)

Number 7: Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or a piece of wood at all times. (...a brick?)

Number 6: The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is capitation. (Wonder how they enforce that one?)

Number 5: There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Now let’s just think for a minute...is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

Number 4: In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. COOL)

Number 3: Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores. (Of course!)

Number 2: In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (We have to presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law...)

And the wierdest law in the world is...

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (I shudder at the thought. How many of us would be virgins today!)

Mischief Managed

Top 5 ways to annoy people:

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.

2. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

3. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

4. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

5. Ask people what gender they are.

And some more:

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog".

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.

Top 18 Ways to Annoy Your Neighbors in Public Restrooms:

Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"

Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

Say, "Now how did that get there?"

Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"


Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross- Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator:

1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
21. Meow occasionally.
22. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
23. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
24. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
25. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
26. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
27. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
28. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the accordion.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"

2much HP & LOTR

Top 20 you know youve had too much of HP when:


1. You’ve glued/duct taped two extra heads on your dog and have renamed him Fluffy.
2. You actually make an effort to search for platform 9 three quarters running between platforms 9 and 10.
3. You refer to your residence as 'Privet Drive' or 'The Burrow'.
4. You run around under a blanket, insisting you’re invisible.
5. You’re convinced Sirius is NOT dead. Neither is Dumbledore.
6. When you get mad at someone, you mutter curses/hexes under your breath.
7. Whenever you turn on a flashlight, you mutter “Lumos”.
8. You hide under a bush, listening to the “Muggle news” and refer to you family as “Muggles”.
9. You’ve tattooed/cut a lightning bolt into your forehead.
10. You stick out your wand hand and wait for the Knight Bus.
11. You write in a blank diary, expecting a response from someone.
12. You call your lighter the “Put-Outer”.
13. You try and make the street lights go out with your lighter.
14. You know how to convert your currency into Wizarding money.
15. You own Wizarding Money.
16. You’ve attempted to use it.
17. You’ve tried the spells in the books.
18. Whenever you open a map you say “I solemnly swear I am up to no good”.
19. Whenever you close the map, you say “Mischief Managed!” just in case.
20. You insert random quotes from the books/movies into your conversations.


Top 6 you know youve had too much LOTR when:


• Your unit of travelling-distance is 'as-the-Nazgul-flies'.
• When you play a sport, you refer to your team-mates as the free peoples of middle-earth and your opponents as the forces of darkness.
• You occasionally check to see if you have grown hair on the soles of your feet.
• An Orc has visited you at least once, in your dreams.
• Some of your belongings have suddenly become 'precious' to you.
• When someone from the opposite sex says that they love you, instead of saying "Sorry", you say.... "It's but a shadow and a thought that you love, I cannot give you what you seek".

Stupid Questions

10 most stupid questions asked in obvious situations:

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends... Stupid Question: - Hey, what are you doing here? Answer: - Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here...

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet... Stupid Question: - Sorry, did that hurt? Answer: - No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask... Stupid Question: - Why, why him, of all people. Answer: - Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter - Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good?? Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years... Stupid Question: - Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big. Answer: - Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask... Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good? Answer: - No, he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call... Stupid Question: - Sorry. Were you sleeping? Answer: - No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair... stupid Question: - Hey have you had a haircut? Answer: - No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth... Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts? Answer: - No it won’t. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks... Stupid Question: - Oh, so you smoke. Answer: - Gosh, it's a miracle ........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!


Other peeves:


People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dick nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole!

One Liners

Dumb people are a plentiful resource. Maybe they should be our alternative energy source.

If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

No negative comments welcomed; positive comments are expected.

Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often. (You would worry less about what people thought of you if you knew how little they did)

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing - It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

If you must choose between two evils, choose the one that you've never tried before.

No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.

Everything that can be counted counts but not everything that counts can be counted.

Good judgement comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgement.

I said, I’m so happy, I could die. She said, Drop dead, and left with another guy. - Elvis Costello

Inquisitiveness is a good thing. Inquisition is not.

For someone who is locationally-challenged, s/he is lost before I even get there.

I used to be disgusted. Now I try to be amused. Their mentalities elicit pity more than disgust.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ignorance is a lack of knowledge that can be fixed by imparting that knowledge; Stupidity is knowing better and doing it anyway; there's no way to fix that.

Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know its walking distance!

To argue with a man who has renounced his reason is like giving medicine to the dead.

Never let a fool kiss you, and never let a kiss fool you.

I have recently discovered that trying to keep my mouth shut is the best thing to do. Not because I am a coward. But because I should defend my sanity and save my brain.

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

I am an angel. Honest. The horns are just there to hold the halo up straight.

CAUTION: I'm having a blonde moment. Please speak slowly and use small words.

I'm Blonde...what's your excuse?

I have a black belt in stationery shopping!

Sometimes I dream of being taking off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me a nut?

Don't flatter yourself...I was looking at your friend!

As I said before...I never repeat myself!

I’m not opinionated...I’m just always right!

If Noah really was wise he would have swatted those two flies!

Your village just called... they want their idiot back!

Girls are like phones, we like to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

Don't like my attitude? Call 1-800-KISS-MY-ASS.

In some cultures what I do is considered normal.

Act your age, not your shoe size.

I’m like a butterfly... Pretty to see but hard to catch!

God gave men a penis and a brain, but not enough blood supply to run both at once!

If you need space join NASA baby!

Everyone is entitled to be stupid but your abusing the privilege.

Do I look like a grocery item to you? Cause I see your checking me out!

Mirror's can't talk, and luck for you they can't laugh either!

WARNING : Next mood swing in 3 minutes.

Don't do drugs, everyone knows alcohol lasts longer!

My door is always open so feel free to leave anytime!

I wasn't born a bitch. It took years of dealing with guys like you to make me this way!

I never said it was your fault... I just said I was blaming you...

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Flirtation: attention with intention.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown & 4 to extend your arm & slap that bitch / bastard.

I'm not a tease. I’m just a reminder of what you can't have.

I can only please one person per day, today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either!

Think highly of yourself, for the world takes you at your own estimate!

You got no reason to be jealous, I've never been untrue...what’s it really matter if they're looking, I'm only looking at you!

The cutest kittens have the sharpest claws.

I don’t need your attitude I got one of my own.

I'll try being nicer... If you try being smarter.

It’s true you don’t know what you’ve got until its gone, but its also true you don’t know what you’ve been missing until it arrives!

Call me anytime, I won't be home.

Before you decide to live by the "early bird" policy, find out whether you're the bird or the worm.

General Warning, Flirtin Wit Me May Lead 2extreme Infatuation, & In Some Cases Unbelievable Pleasure.

Intelligence is like a river, the deeper it is, the less noise it makes!

I wanted to kill the hottest person alive...but then I realized! I would be single!

You’re so ugly that before your mum goes to kiss you good night she puts a paper bag over your head!

If being ugly is a crime, you wood get a life sentence!

Nice perfume. Why marinate in it?

I love what you've done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?

The closest thing you will ever come to a brain storm is a light drizzle!

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits, as I will not take advantage of the handicapped.

It's not that I'm a loner... I just don't like you.

Never say sorry 4 what you meant to do.

Why don’t you go and put a condom on your head because if you’re going to act like a dick u might as well get dressed up.

If u can’t deal with it ... don’t pretend.

Can I go thru your closet...I need a Halloween costume!

The only thing duck tape, Tylenol and band-aid can't fix is you!

You had better take sleeping pills baby. Because the only place you'll get me is in your dreams!

Guys are like puppies they're cute and playful until they become dogs!

Guys are like dogs, they have to be trained!!!

Stand up for what you feel is right. Even if you are standing alone.

What do u do when the only person who can dry your tears is the one making you cry?

I still miss my ex...But my aims improving.

Don't drink water. Fishes have sex in it!

You’ve got the brains of a 4 year old and bet s/he was glad to get rid of it.

I never forget a face, but I’ll make an exception in your case.

How can I miss you if you won’t go away.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

Presently my world is upside down, so if you want to talk to me, you’ll have to talk to my ass!

Work fascinates me - I can look at it for hours!

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so stay wasted all the time, and have the time of your life!

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Experience is the comb life gives you after you're bald.

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

The subliminal message for today is.

Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch? They talk of my drinking but never of my thirst.

Computers can never replace human stupidity.

A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.

If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK."

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask the questions.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.

I'm not a slow learner. I'm a quick forgetter.

College professor - someone who talks in other peoples sleep.

I want to drop my body off at the gym like I do with my clothes at the dry cleaners.

Only In America do people order double cheese burgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Why is it that when you talk to God you're praying, but when he talks to you, you're crazy?

The worst Chinese fortune I ever got was the one that said, "That wasn't chicken."

I really like my paper shredder. It makes me feel my trash is important.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

It is not what they say about you, it’s what they whisper.

In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take prozac to make it normal.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your own way.

Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Everywhere children are schooled to become masters at answering questions and to remain novices at asking them.

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.

"How come Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The survival of the fittest is going to make some guy awful lonesome some day.

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If you must lie, be brief.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Why is lemonade mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

This [send money] is a [send money] subliminal [send money] message.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the top of a coffin?

Saw a guy wearing a T-shirt that read: "I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up."

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

I have the body of a god - Buddha.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Sign next to the super highway: "You aren't looking at the road!"

They make you think smoking marihuana makes you paranoid.

Dangerous guys, those dinosaurs. Foot-prints there are, but no finger-prints.

A Belgian stewardess fell in love with the automatic pilot.

Recession: your neighbour loses his job.

Depression: you lose your job.

Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.

There are 3 kinds of people in life: Those who can count and those who can't.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

A face can say many things. Especially the mouth part.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I just got lost in thought…it was unfamiliar territory.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

The differences between theory and practice are greater in practice than they are in theory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equal.

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.

Dante once said that the hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in a period of moral crisis maintain their neutrality.

You shouldn’t let your mind wander, its far too small to be out by its self.

Be nice to people on your way up your sure to meet them on the way back down.

Dont burn your bridges, for someday you may need to cross that river again.

I am multi-talented I can talk and piss you off at the same time!

The way I see it, the more people hate me, the less I have to please!

Don't follow in my footsteps, I run into walls.

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it!

I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?

Do I look like a fucking people person?

If I throw a stick will you leave??

YOU!.... Off my planet!

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made, others will be blamed.

Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.

A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.

Whatever look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.

I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.

I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

Not all men are annoying, some are dead.

Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Too many freaks not enough circuses.

Feminist law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

And which dwarf are you?

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

Watch out for the idiot behind me!

Moooooove, I'm trying to speed!

Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car

I break for........................OH SHIT NO BRAKES

There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

IT'S IMPOLITE TO STARE

(Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough.
...and i should care, why?

0-60 in 15 minutes!

100% Irony Free

100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?

All stressed out and nobody to choke!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Before giving someone a piece of mind be sure you have enough to spare!

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!! ??

Can't Feed 'Em! Don't Breed Em'!

Careful, I’m not wearing clean underwear!

Change is good...you go first!

Conserve water - Shower with your boyfriend

Do they ever shut up on your planet.

Don't make me go medieval on you.

Don't miss heaven for the world.

Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!

Don't rub the lamp unless you're ready for the genie.

Don't start with me you won't win!

Don't steal, the government hates competition.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out.

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

Happiness is _____’s face on a milk carton.

Saw it, Wanted it, Threw a fit, Got it!

HORN BROKEN. WATCH FOR FINGER.

Your kid may be an honours student but youre still an idiot

Cover me. Im changing lanes

I brake for no apparent reason

Learn from your parents mistakes – use birth control

He who laughs last thinks slowest

Im not as think as you drunk I am

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

Auntie….emmm…hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Bye, Dorothy

It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you

Change is inevitable except from a vending machine

I like cats, they taste like chicken

Out of my mind, be back in 5 minutes

Born free. Taxed to death

Foget the joneses. We keep up with the simpsons

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog

Laugh alone and the world thinks youre an idiot

Rehab is for quitters

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep

All men are idiots and I am with/married their king

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.

Ok, who stopped payment on my reality check

Few women admit their rage. Fewer men act on it

Hard work has a future payoff. Lazines pays off now

Some stupid people are alive only because its illegal to kill

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes

Be nice to your kids, they’ll choose your nursing home

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who cant

Beauty is the eye of the beer holder

i souport publik edekashun

If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk

Work is for people who don’t know how to fish

Women who seek to be equal to men, lack ambition

Keep honking, Im reloading

Honk if you want to see my finger

When you do a good deed, get a receipt – in case heaven is like the IRS (OR “ur welcome…now can I have a receipt…in case heaven is like the IRS…yep…they got what it takes to take what we’ve got”)

IRS: we’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got

No radio. Already stolen.

Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle alcohol / drugs

Where theres a will, I want to be in it

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students

According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what OTHERS have

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

Warning: dates in calendar are closer than they appear

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps

I didn’t kick you out …. I released you into the wild

Well if I’m just furniture you cant play with my cushions

I think there is a special corner in heaven for people like you

Where was THAT published? In the Full Of Crap magazine?

Women also oogle at the opposite sex. Its just that theyre better at not getting caught.

Belching and farting is a guys way of showing us gals theyre comfy around us.

Most men hate shopping because its an evolutionary thing – men hunt, women gather.

Oh sure you aren’t balding, you are in follicle regression.

Sure you don’t get lost all the time, you just investigate alternative destinations. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

Don’t worry...you aren’t a cradle robber/snatcher…you just prefer generationally differential relationships.

Sorry youre not acting like a total ass….youve just developed a case of rectal-cranial inversion.

Sure ….you aren’t afraid of commitment..youre just monogamously challegened.

Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

Im not making a fool of you…youre the DIY type.

Love might be blind but marriage I heard is a real eye opener

I should have a buzzer under my office desk wired to the police dept.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

U.S. Marines bumper sticker: "It's God's responsibility to forgive bin Laden. It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting!"

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Jesus loves you, but I think your an asshole!

Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.

Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!

Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.

Sex is like air, it's only bad when your not getting any.

My wife's other car is a broom.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bullshit.

Constipated people don't give a shit.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!