One Liners

Dumb people are a plentiful resource. Maybe they should be our alternative energy source.

If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

No negative comments welcomed; positive comments are expected.

Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often. (You would worry less about what people thought of you if you knew how little they did)

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing - It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

If you must choose between two evils, choose the one that you've never tried before.

No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.

Everything that can be counted counts but not everything that counts can be counted.

Good judgement comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgement.

I said, I’m so happy, I could die. She said, Drop dead, and left with another guy. - Elvis Costello

Inquisitiveness is a good thing. Inquisition is not.

For someone who is locationally-challenged, s/he is lost before I even get there.

I used to be disgusted. Now I try to be amused. Their mentalities elicit pity more than disgust.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ignorance is a lack of knowledge that can be fixed by imparting that knowledge; Stupidity is knowing better and doing it anyway; there's no way to fix that.

Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know its walking distance!

To argue with a man who has renounced his reason is like giving medicine to the dead.

Never let a fool kiss you, and never let a kiss fool you.

I have recently discovered that trying to keep my mouth shut is the best thing to do. Not because I am a coward. But because I should defend my sanity and save my brain.

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

I am an angel. Honest. The horns are just there to hold the halo up straight.

CAUTION: I'm having a blonde moment. Please speak slowly and use small words.

I'm Blonde...what's your excuse?

I have a black belt in stationery shopping!

Sometimes I dream of being taking off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me a nut?

Don't flatter yourself...I was looking at your friend!

As I said before...I never repeat myself!

I’m not opinionated...I’m just always right!

If Noah really was wise he would have swatted those two flies!

Your village just called... they want their idiot back!

Girls are like phones, we like to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

Don't like my attitude? Call 1-800-KISS-MY-ASS.

In some cultures what I do is considered normal.

Act your age, not your shoe size.

I’m like a butterfly... Pretty to see but hard to catch!

God gave men a penis and a brain, but not enough blood supply to run both at once!

If you need space join NASA baby!

Everyone is entitled to be stupid but your abusing the privilege.

Do I look like a grocery item to you? Cause I see your checking me out!

Mirror's can't talk, and luck for you they can't laugh either!

WARNING : Next mood swing in 3 minutes.

Don't do drugs, everyone knows alcohol lasts longer!

My door is always open so feel free to leave anytime!

I wasn't born a bitch. It took years of dealing with guys like you to make me this way!

I never said it was your fault... I just said I was blaming you...

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Flirtation: attention with intention.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown & 4 to extend your arm & slap that bitch / bastard.

I'm not a tease. I’m just a reminder of what you can't have.

I can only please one person per day, today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either!

Think highly of yourself, for the world takes you at your own estimate!

You got no reason to be jealous, I've never been untrue...what’s it really matter if they're looking, I'm only looking at you!

The cutest kittens have the sharpest claws.

I don’t need your attitude I got one of my own.

I'll try being nicer... If you try being smarter.

It’s true you don’t know what you’ve got until its gone, but its also true you don’t know what you’ve been missing until it arrives!

Call me anytime, I won't be home.

Before you decide to live by the "early bird" policy, find out whether you're the bird or the worm.

General Warning, Flirtin Wit Me May Lead 2extreme Infatuation, & In Some Cases Unbelievable Pleasure.

Intelligence is like a river, the deeper it is, the less noise it makes!

I wanted to kill the hottest person alive...but then I realized! I would be single!

You’re so ugly that before your mum goes to kiss you good night she puts a paper bag over your head!

If being ugly is a crime, you wood get a life sentence!

Nice perfume. Why marinate in it?

I love what you've done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?

The closest thing you will ever come to a brain storm is a light drizzle!

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits, as I will not take advantage of the handicapped.

It's not that I'm a loner... I just don't like you.

Never say sorry 4 what you meant to do.

Why don’t you go and put a condom on your head because if you’re going to act like a dick u might as well get dressed up.

If u can’t deal with it ... don’t pretend.

Can I go thru your closet...I need a Halloween costume!

The only thing duck tape, Tylenol and band-aid can't fix is you!

You had better take sleeping pills baby. Because the only place you'll get me is in your dreams!

Guys are like puppies they're cute and playful until they become dogs!

Guys are like dogs, they have to be trained!!!

Stand up for what you feel is right. Even if you are standing alone.

What do u do when the only person who can dry your tears is the one making you cry?

I still miss my ex...But my aims improving.

Don't drink water. Fishes have sex in it!

You’ve got the brains of a 4 year old and bet s/he was glad to get rid of it.

I never forget a face, but I’ll make an exception in your case.

How can I miss you if you won’t go away.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

Presently my world is upside down, so if you want to talk to me, you’ll have to talk to my ass!

Work fascinates me - I can look at it for hours!

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so stay wasted all the time, and have the time of your life!

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Experience is the comb life gives you after you're bald.

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

The subliminal message for today is.

Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch? They talk of my drinking but never of my thirst.

Computers can never replace human stupidity.

A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.

If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK."

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask the questions.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.

I'm not a slow learner. I'm a quick forgetter.

College professor - someone who talks in other peoples sleep.

I want to drop my body off at the gym like I do with my clothes at the dry cleaners.

Only In America do people order double cheese burgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Why is it that when you talk to God you're praying, but when he talks to you, you're crazy?

The worst Chinese fortune I ever got was the one that said, "That wasn't chicken."

I really like my paper shredder. It makes me feel my trash is important.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

It is not what they say about you, it’s what they whisper.

In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take prozac to make it normal.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your own way.

Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Everywhere children are schooled to become masters at answering questions and to remain novices at asking them.

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.

"How come Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The survival of the fittest is going to make some guy awful lonesome some day.

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If you must lie, be brief.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Why is lemonade mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

This [send money] is a [send money] subliminal [send money] message.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the top of a coffin?

Saw a guy wearing a T-shirt that read: "I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up."

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

I have the body of a god - Buddha.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Sign next to the super highway: "You aren't looking at the road!"

They make you think smoking marihuana makes you paranoid.

Dangerous guys, those dinosaurs. Foot-prints there are, but no finger-prints.

A Belgian stewardess fell in love with the automatic pilot.

Recession: your neighbour loses his job.

Depression: you lose your job.

Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.

There are 3 kinds of people in life: Those who can count and those who can't.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

A face can say many things. Especially the mouth part.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I just got lost in thought…it was unfamiliar territory.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

The differences between theory and practice are greater in practice than they are in theory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equal.

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.

Dante once said that the hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in a period of moral crisis maintain their neutrality.

You shouldn’t let your mind wander, its far too small to be out by its self.

Be nice to people on your way up your sure to meet them on the way back down.

Dont burn your bridges, for someday you may need to cross that river again.

I am multi-talented I can talk and piss you off at the same time!

The way I see it, the more people hate me, the less I have to please!

Don't follow in my footsteps, I run into walls.

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it!

I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?

Do I look like a fucking people person?

If I throw a stick will you leave??

YOU!.... Off my planet!

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made, others will be blamed.

Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.

A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.

Whatever look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.

I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.

I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

Not all men are annoying, some are dead.

Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Too many freaks not enough circuses.

Feminist law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

And which dwarf are you?

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

Watch out for the idiot behind me!

Moooooove, I'm trying to speed!

Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car

I break for........................OH SHIT NO BRAKES

There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

IT'S IMPOLITE TO STARE

(Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough.
...and i should care, why?

0-60 in 15 minutes!

100% Irony Free

100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?

All stressed out and nobody to choke!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Before giving someone a piece of mind be sure you have enough to spare!

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!! ??

Can't Feed 'Em! Don't Breed Em'!

Careful, I’m not wearing clean underwear!

Change is good...you go first!

Conserve water - Shower with your boyfriend

Do they ever shut up on your planet.

Don't make me go medieval on you.

Don't miss heaven for the world.

Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!

Don't rub the lamp unless you're ready for the genie.

Don't start with me you won't win!

Don't steal, the government hates competition.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out.

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

Happiness is _____’s face on a milk carton.

Saw it, Wanted it, Threw a fit, Got it!

HORN BROKEN. WATCH FOR FINGER.

Your kid may be an honours student but youre still an idiot

Cover me. Im changing lanes

I brake for no apparent reason

Learn from your parents mistakes – use birth control

He who laughs last thinks slowest

Im not as think as you drunk I am

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

Auntie….emmm…hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Bye, Dorothy

It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you

Change is inevitable except from a vending machine

I like cats, they taste like chicken

Out of my mind, be back in 5 minutes

Born free. Taxed to death

Foget the joneses. We keep up with the simpsons

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog

Laugh alone and the world thinks youre an idiot

Rehab is for quitters

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep

All men are idiots and I am with/married their king

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.

Ok, who stopped payment on my reality check

Few women admit their rage. Fewer men act on it

Hard work has a future payoff. Lazines pays off now

Some stupid people are alive only because its illegal to kill

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes

Be nice to your kids, they’ll choose your nursing home

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who cant

Beauty is the eye of the beer holder

i souport publik edekashun

If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk

Work is for people who don’t know how to fish

Women who seek to be equal to men, lack ambition

Keep honking, Im reloading

Honk if you want to see my finger

When you do a good deed, get a receipt – in case heaven is like the IRS (OR “ur welcome…now can I have a receipt…in case heaven is like the IRS…yep…they got what it takes to take what we’ve got”)

IRS: we’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got

No radio. Already stolen.

Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle alcohol / drugs

Where theres a will, I want to be in it

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students

According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what OTHERS have

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

Warning: dates in calendar are closer than they appear

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps

I didn’t kick you out …. I released you into the wild

Well if I’m just furniture you cant play with my cushions

I think there is a special corner in heaven for people like you

Where was THAT published? In the Full Of Crap magazine?

Women also oogle at the opposite sex. Its just that theyre better at not getting caught.

Belching and farting is a guys way of showing us gals theyre comfy around us.

Most men hate shopping because its an evolutionary thing – men hunt, women gather.

Oh sure you aren’t balding, you are in follicle regression.

Sure you don’t get lost all the time, you just investigate alternative destinations. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

Don’t worry...you aren’t a cradle robber/snatcher…you just prefer generationally differential relationships.

Sorry youre not acting like a total ass….youve just developed a case of rectal-cranial inversion.

Sure ….you aren’t afraid of commitment..youre just monogamously challegened.

Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

Im not making a fool of you…youre the DIY type.

Love might be blind but marriage I heard is a real eye opener

I should have a buzzer under my office desk wired to the police dept.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

U.S. Marines bumper sticker: "It's God's responsibility to forgive bin Laden. It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting!"

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Jesus loves you, but I think your an asshole!

Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.

Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!

Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.

Sex is like air, it's only bad when your not getting any.

My wife's other car is a broom.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bullshit.

Constipated people don't give a shit.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!